


A Match Made in Hell

by Aireira (AnonymousFemme)



Series: A Match Made In Hell [1]
Category: Eroica Yori Ai o Komete | From Eroica with Love
Genre: Bad Drinking Habits, Boys Kissing, Crack Treated Seriously, Everybody Ships It, Explicit Language, F/M, Flirting, Fluff, G is trans, Humor, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Not Beta Read, Past Character Death, Past Sexual Assault, Sexual Tension, Valentine's Day 2021, Weddings, because fuck Q, betrothal, crack!fic, hangovers, something about a dominatrix, swearing because Klaus, we die like Q should have
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:21:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29519406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymousFemme/pseuds/Aireira
Summary: ... Or was it made in Heaven? Heinz Helmut von dem Eberbach has been alone for over 40 years, since the day his beloved wife, Lucinda Elenore Vieth van Tritten, perished. Recently, he's found love again. Enter Valentina Medvedev. She is a scientist. She is also the daughter of Mischa Medvdev, a former KGB officer. Unfortunately for her, Valentina's new husband has a son... who just happens to be Iron Klaus, Mischa's former rival. No matter! Klaus has Dorian to help him! Like he did at the wedding... What sort of chaos will unfold? Will Dorian be able to convince Klaus that being hitched to Eroica wouldn't be so bad? Will Valentina convince Heinz that maybe Klaus wants something other than a bride? Or will she wither under Klaus' iron gaze of doom, since he obviously remembers that one time at a bar? Tune in to find out!Sequel to "The Happiest Day of Somebody's Life".
Relationships: Klaus von dem Eberbach's father/Valentina Medvedev, Klaus von dem Eberbach/Dorian Red Gloria, Klaus von dem Eberbach/Original Female Character(s)
Series: A Match Made In Hell [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2168703
Comments: 5
Kudos: 2





	1. My Son Is Friends With A What Now?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CassieIngaben](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassieIngaben/gifts), [TelWoman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TelWoman/gifts), [Anneli](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anneli/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Happiest Day of Somebody's Life](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23640283) by [TelWoman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TelWoman/pseuds/TelWoman). 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valentina, intrigued by her father's words, decides to play matchmaker. She drags Heinz into it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, okay, so I was going to post this on Valentine's Day. But I was a little busy... Sorry!

**A Match Made in Hell**

By Aireira

  
  


**Summary:** Valentina, intrigued by her father’s words, plays matchmaker. Sequel to Telwoman’s “[The Happiest Day of Somebody’s Life](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23640283)”.

 **Rating:** M

 **Pairing(s):** Dorian/Klaus, Valentina/Heinz, Heinz/Lucinda (past), Mischa/Luydmila (past)

 **Tags:** Swearing, sex, humor, bad drinking habits, hangovers, kissing, virginal Klaus, Klaus is very touch-starved, internal self-conflict, floofy-fluffy floof, very consensual honeymoon sex,sexual tension, implied sexual content, flirting, oh my gosh you guys get a room, mentioned past character death, minor angst, mentions of past sexual trauma, self-esteem issues, Klaus disgusts himself, Klaus needs a hug, G is trans, betrothal, parental plotting, G ships it, Mischa ships it, Valentina ships it, everybody ships it

\---------------------------------------------------------------

After reading some more depressing fanfiction of late, I finally found relief in the humorous little short story, “The Happiest Day of Somebody’s Life”, where Klaus’ father remarries, after over four decades of widowhood. But what happens when the newlyweds return from the trip? But what happened after the wedding party? And what will Heinz say if Valentina ever remembers her slip in judgement? Actually, that last one may end better than you think!

A few elements are borrowed from other fanfic, such as “Alles Klar” as to what Klaus’ mother’s given name was, “As The Fates Would Have It” as to Bonham growing up with Dorian, and Polar Bear’s real name from “Some Things Never Change”.

* * *

Heinz Helmut von dem Eberbach had been alone for over 40 years, since the day his beloved wife, Lucinda Elenore Vieth van Tritten, perished.

Now, Heinz had remarried. At first, it had filled him with guilt, to feel love for another woman. But then... he’d realized that when he thought about it, Heinz was in love with two women. One so close yet so far away, and another right in his arms.

Dr. Valentina Anya Medvedev was something… different. For starters, her father was a former KGB agent. However, Valentina held none of those old and twisted morals that destroyed many countries before it. And from the scientist’s tales, apparently, just as Heinz had, Colonel Medvedev had fought out of necessity. Still, Heinz had to ask Klaus, his own beloved grown child, about how deep the Communist values went for Mischa.

Secondly, Valentina was a bit… well, secretly neurotic. While level-headed, as any good scientist is, she still had moments of doubt and worry that made Conrad look calm. Unlike Conrad’s outbursts, however, Valentina’s were very controlled. She would have made a good soldier, no doubt.

Lastly, Valentina was in the same boat as Klaus in terms of his living family. Valentina had had many more years with her mother, but she still had lost her suddenly. Valentina had said she’d been around 30, but it was still fresh in her mind. How had Mischa taken such a loss, to lose the love of his life as Heinz had?

Heinz had so many questions, still, as he held Valentina close, late in the night. On their honeymoon night, Heinz still thought of Lucinda. _So much for not feeling guilty._ But, Valentina had told Heinz several times to not feel guilty. It made Heinz feel less… _awful_. To the point that he’d actually made love to Valentina an hour before. It had been a quiet and gentle affair. It had been a spur-of-the moment decision, as neither had planned for it. Now, they rested in quiet bliss, Heinz’s thoughts aside. _I’ll work on it._ All was right with the world… Until Valentina broke the silence.

“Heinz, what is your opinion on… homosexuals?” Heinz jumped a little, looking down at her. “Why do you ask, and out of the blue as well?” Valentina didn’t even look back, she just snuggled up to him even closer. “Klaus’ friend. My father told me that they may be more than friends. Or at the very least, that Lord Gloria is _very_ gay. I suspected as much about him. He is a good friend, however.”

Heinz thought it over. “Klaus… a homosexual. He never showed any interest in any of the women I have introduced him to, but I always thought that he had not met the right woman. Then again, Conrad has told me about a thief that follows Klaus around. A _man_ , of all things. I wonder about this thief.”

“Maybe Lord Gloria is the thief. My father hinted at such a thing,” Valentina shared. “I--- He _is_ the thief? How—Why? I must ask him, when I see the man again,” Heinz murmured in confusion. “Well, we could invite him to join us for dinner sometime. Preferably in a private setting, in case the wrong people listen in,” Valentina suggested knowingly. Her father was a former KGB officer, after all. “Yes, that would be a good idea when we get back. We can visit Klaus at the Schloss and see what the two of them have to say,” Heinz agreed.

Valentina chuckled. “The way my father talks about the pair of them, I’d think he’d like to join us. See if his theory is correct or not.” She closed her eyes. “If he is right about Klaus, then… I don’t know what to think. Am I a terrible parent, being uneasy about my son being a homosexual and never telling me?” Heinz worried.

“Heinz, I am not sure if even _he_ knows if he is. And no, you are not a terrible father. You were raised Catholic, you are Catholic. It is different from what you have learned. It is normal to be uncertain about a foreign concept,” Valentina reassured him, reaching across to gently squeeze his hand.

“Still, I…” Heinz sighed. “Sleep. You can worry about it in the morning,” Valentina murmured, kissing Heinz’ shoulder. “Yes, dear,” Heinz sighed, closing his eyes.


	2. Dining With the Devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner at the Schloss.

(One week later…)

  
  


Klaus sat in his study, thinking over the last time he’d seen Dorian. The bastard had had the cheek to kiss him!

~

“… _Come now, Klaus. It wouldn’t hurt. I won’t bite. Just one kiss?” Dorian requested. “Fine!” Klaus hissed, grabbing a fistful of Dorian’s curls. He pulled the thief close, but stopped when he realized what he was doing. “I… Can’t,” Klaus told the blond. Dorian gave him a sympathetic look, leaned in closer (with Klaus still clutching his hair), and gently pecked Klaus on the lips. When Dorian pulled away, he saw that the drunken Major was blushing a pretty plum red (with his fingers still tangled in Dorian’s hair). Dorian smiled at him, leaning back in to kiss him again---_

“ _KLAUS!” Klaus let go of Dorian’s curls and pulled away quickly as he heard his father calling. “Ah, there you are!” the elder Eberbach sighed. He turned to Dorian. “Thank you for finding him!” Heinz told the thief, before looking to Klaus. “I would have thought you would have wanted to see us off. But perhaps you couldn’t have in your inebriated state! Shame on you, boy, drinking on your father’s wedding day! No matter, the hangover will be punishment enough. Regardless, thank you for being here today. I appreciate it. I must go now, Valentina is waiting for me.”_

“ _Bye! Have fun!” Dorian waved the elder off. When Heinz was gone, Klaus addressed the thief. “Not a fucking word, not to anyone!” the Major hissed. “Of course not, love. Although…” Dorian gave him a quizzical look; “Perhaps one more for the road?”_

_Klaus swore at him and stomped off._

~

That had been last week. And now, his father and Valentina were back from their honeymoon. Tonight, they’d join Klaus for dinner at the Schloss. Klaus chose a neat but slightly casual get-up for dinner; a white button-up work shirt, a pair of black slacks, and his treasured belt. He pulled his hair back and tied it off with a black hair elastic. He took a look in the mirror and decided to shave. By the time he was done, his watch read 6:30. He headed downstairs.

~

Klaus was greeted by Conrad at the bottom of the stairs. “Ah, Master Klaus, there you are. Your father and moth---err, Miss Valentina are waiting for you. And uh, Master Klaus?” Klaus raised an eyebrow, both at the slip-up and whatever the hell Conrad had to tell him next. “Ah, for your father’s sake, please do not cause a scene. You see, uh, Colonel Medvedev will be joining us as well, this evening.”

“Dammit,” Klaus muttered, “Thanks for letting me know, Herr Hinkel,” Klaus headed for the dining room, only for Conrad to trail after him. “W-Wait, Master Klaus! There’s also--” Klaus stopped in his tracks when he entered the dining room. There, chatting away with Valentina, was Eroica.

The fop was actually dressed conservatively for once (at least for him), wearing a light-blue button up (which looked suspiciously like a shirt that had been missing from Klaus’ closet for about a week), dark blue slacks, and shiny black low-heeled boots. The man even had his hair pulled back in a braid, held in place by a silver hair clasp at the top, and a black hair tie at the base.

“Oh, Klaus! Hullo! I’m so glad you could join us! Come, sit down!” Dorian patted the chair next to him. Klaus felt his right eye involuntarily twitch. “Klaus? Are you alright?” Dorian frowned worriedly. Mischa, the bastard, smirked in amusement, chiming in, “Yes, Klaus, are you well?”

Conrad finally caught up to Klaus, slightly out of breath. “Sorry, Master Klaus, I was going to tell you, Lord Gloria was to join us for dinner, per Miss Valentina’s insistence,” the old man apologized. Klaus wanted to glare, but he stopped himself, as it was improper. ‘I should have brought something to smoke,’ Klaus grimaced to himself.

~

Klaus sat seething, eating his dinner quietly, barely adding anything to the conversation, until Valentina finally asked Dorian a very important question; “Have you thought about settling down? Just curious. My father says you aren’t interested in women. Is he right?” Klaus dropped his fork. Dorian jumped a little. “Y-Yes. W-why--” Dorian stammered; “Well, has Klaus ever tried to set you up with anyone?”

Heinz frowned. “Yes Klaus, why haven’t you found your friend a… _partner_? Aren’t you supposed to be each other’s, ‘wingmen’, as the teenagers call it?” he tried. The old man still couldn’t believe it, when his wife had told him about her suspicions about his son’s friend! ‘And Klaus too! ‘I have always wondered… but it’s not likely. Maybe he’s one of those… Asexuals?’

“Well… Maybe he and I already know who I love. But… The man I love doesn’t love me back. A-At least, I don’t think so. He might like me, but I think that’s all. He’s a wonderful man, but he’s married to his career. I don’t understand why, when Miss Valentina here seems to be doing a good job of balancing work and marriage—so far, at least,” Dorian fumbled, taking a deep sip of his drink, clutching the cup like a child clutches a security blanket. “Thank you, Dorian. I do try,” Valentina replied, smiling reassuringly; “But why do you think he’s not interested in you?”

Dorian sighed. “Oh, he calls me all sorts of awful things, but at the same time, if anyone else does, he yells at them for picking on me. Klaus a good friend and—Oops!” Dorian covered his mouth. “I-I mean, h-he, I---” Klaus groaned in frustration, squeezing the bridge of his nose. “Is he in the room with us?” Valentina asked gently. “Yes,” Dorian whimpered. “Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach, is there something you would like to tell _me_ , your _father_?” Heinz questioned Klaus, whom was now draining his wine glass.

Klaus set down his now-empty glass and stood up. “I must use the bathroom,” was all he said, before he fast-walked out of the room. Mischa raised an eyebrow. Dorian sighed, “I’ll go talk to him. May I be excused?” Heinz was quite surprised by Dorian’s politeness. He nodded to Dorian, who promptly got out of his chair, pushed it in, and followed after Klaus. However, Heinz had something to say to Dorian first. “I just want him to be happy, you know.” When Dorian had left, Valentina spoke again.

“Heinz, dear?” she murmured. “Yes, Valentina?” Heinz turned his head and made eye contact. “I… I got drunk and propositioned a poor soul a day before our wedding. He pointed out my foolishness to me. I’m so sorry. And now that I think about it… He looked quite a bit like Klaus,” Valentina confessed. Heinz stared at her. “I think… I don’t know, I was both overwhelmed and excited to be wed, and I should not have done that. I don’t know what possessed me to do such a thing. You know I love you, right?”

Heinz sighed. “Perhaps… We should not have wedded so soon. I am sorry I pushed you into this,” Heinz lamented. “But Heinz--- Wait, you aren’t angry or---?” Valentina looked both confused and relieved. “As the saying goes, I am not mad, but I am disappointed. I thought you had better self-control then that. I hope it will not occur again in the future, will it?”

“No! Goodness, no, Heinz! I could never--- I wouldn’t--- I love you too much to do that,” Valentina reassured him. “Well, I too am disappointed. What would your mother say, Valentina?” Mischa asked his daughter. Valentina frowned. “It is not something you do to the one you love,” she answered. Heinz got out of his chair and moved to hug his wife. “I have already forgiven you. You were intoxicated and overwhelmed. It’s... over and done with. Thank you for telling me, Val. I love you dearly, you know.”

“I know,” Valentina winced. Mischa suddenly chuckled. “Did he squirm and twitch a lot? Maybe whine a bit? Go pale?” Heinz raised an eyebrow at Mischa’s questions. Valentina stared at her father blankly, blinking her tears away. “The man you… propositioned. He was most definitely Klaus if he squirmed and swore when you talked to him,” Mischa clarified. “Klaus has… some sort of touch phobia, it seems. Either that or he is very, very gay. Deep in the closet as they say. Of course, maybe he suffered some childhood trauma, or…?”

Conrad frowned. “When he was 15, the young master was… cornered by a very drunk woman several years older than him at a party, here. She… did not get very far, nowhere past mere… groping, as I caught her in the act. The young master… once he saw me, he managed to get out of that… ‘deer in the headlights’ state of mind, and instead he seemed to just go… numb. H-He lashed out at her and struck her. She screamed at him, and that’s when---” Mischa and Valentina had looks of horror on their faces. Mischa now held more respect for Klaus than before.

“Mein Gott. I know! I-- I yelled at him for it, and I told him to go to his room or apologize for hitting her. I did not know she hurt him. If I had listened, he wouldn’t have hid himself from me for several days! I only realized after you told me! I--- No wonder he does not want women anywhere near him!” Heinz moaned sadly; “What kind of parent yells at their child for something like that?”

“But you couldn’t have known, Heinz. And you did take legal action,” Conrad tried to reassure him. Heinz frowned. “And? It didn’t even get anywhere! I can’t believe myself! He tried to tell me! I can’t believe I… Did he ever… Try… with a woman? Do you know?”

“Perhaps…” Conrad hesitated. “Well?” Mischa asked softly. This had to be good, hopefully, after that tragic start. “Well,” Conrad answered hesitantly, “He came to me one day and said, ‘I did it.’ I asked what, and he said, ‘I did the deed… with a woman. She was very nice to me. She said I could come back anytime. She said she wanted to… teach me things.’ I did not know how to react. So I asked for him to elaborate. Apparently, he had asked one of his… coworkers if he knew of a safe place to… relieve his potential desires. This was when he was a lieutenant, but he was already very commanding, as it turns out that his coworker sent him to a-a…”

“A prostitute?” Valentina choked out, trying not to laugh. “W-Well, yes but-- she wasn’t your regular… prim and proper sort of girl you would find in a ‘high-quality’ brothel. S-She was ‘high-end’, but... She was a-a.. specialist in… commanding of h-her own,” Conrad fumbled, cheeks burning bright red. Mischa laughed, exclaiming, “He visited a dominatrix?!” Heinz frowned, but Mischa only laughed harder. “Father…” Valentina groaned. “I’m sorry. Please continue,” Mischa snorted.

“Apparently… he visits her sometimes, mostly to talk and relieve… sexual frustrations. _Mostly_ talk, apparently, considering how Klaus is about being touched. I don’t think he realizes it, but the Young Master may have made a friend. He doesn’t talk much about her, because he doesn’t want the wrong people to know. That is all I know. Even if he did not have her _help_ … I still think he would have found Lord Gloria.”

“Don’t you mean that Lord Gloria would have found him?” Micha grinned.

“That’s… I don’t what to say,” Heinz sighed, ignoring Mischa’s comment.. “Well… maybe he only feels this way about Lord Gloria. Of course, he could also be bisexual,” Valentina suggested. “I think it’s like you told me, dear. He probably doesn’t even know it himself.,” Heinz groaned.

“We should do this more often,” Mischa smiled, “It helps to talk about such matters. You want what’s best for your son, don’t you?”

“Always,” Heinz confirmed, “Which is why I don’t appreciate your numerous efforts to kill him. I know you had to do what you had to for your country, but still…”

Mischa nodded. “I understand. It’s hard, you know. Had things been different, we might been friends.” Valentina gave her father a puzzled look. “Father, you kicked him in the balls once,” she reminded him. Heinz choked on his drink. “Do… I even want to know why?!”

“We got drunk and started insulted each other, and it ended in a fist fight. It was awful,” Mischa answered. “You also locked him in a sauna, left him in the desert….” Valentina added. Conrad covered his face with his hands. “You know, some of it wasn’t my idea. It was--” Mischa tried, only for Heinz to stop him. “Either way, you tried to kill him! It’s very concerning as a parent.”

“Oh, I agree. My apologies. I don’t know if it makes you feel any better, but Klaus if very hard to kill,” Mischa hummed. “Not really, no,” Heinz groaned. “More wine?” Conrad offered helpfully. “Yes, please!”

~

Klaus actually had needed to piss, but he also really, really, _really_ wanted to escape. Having finished his business, he washed his hands. After he dried off, he left his bathroom and entered into the bedroom, only to be greeted by the sight of Eroica lounging on his bed. Klaus started counting to _twenty._ In _Deutsch_. _Backwards_. “Come sit down, love. You want to talk about it?” Dorian offered with a sickeningly-sweet tone of voice. “Fuck no!” Klaus hissed, before he roughly sat down on the bed, as far away from Dorian as possible. Annoyingly enough, the thief scooted closer to Klaus. “Can you not?”

“Klaus, love… It’s okay, you know. Your father just wants you to be happy, I’m sure. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with--” Dorian tried, before Klaus cut him off. “ _I’m not gay_!” Klaus bit out, his face turning red. “So? You don’t have to be anything to lo--”

“Shut up!” Klaus hissed, reaching his arm to smack Dorian across the chest, against the bed. Dorian grunted, having the wind knocked out of him. “Really, dearest, you are overreacting,” the thief wheezed. “Stupid Mischa, probably told Valentina I’m gay, and she probably told my father!” Klaus hissed, getting up to dig under his bed. He pulled out a small bottle. “Klaus, is that--? Do you hide alcohol in your bedroom?” Dorian gawked, sitting back up. “Just this,” Klaus grunted, opening the bottle and taking a swig. “You want some?” he muttered. “N-No, I’m good,” Dorian replied, staring inquisitively at Klaus. “Why did you follow me?” Klaus asked him. “Well… Besides trying to coax you back to dinner, I was wondering… Why did you kiss me--- I mean, let me kiss you?” Dorian clarified, watching in silent horror as Klaus took big gulps. “Klaus. You shouldn’t do that.”

Klaus rolled his eyes. “One: I don’t fucking know. Two: Shut up,” Klaus answered bluntly. Dorian inched closer. “Do you want to do it again?” the thief offered gently. Klaus glared at him, taking one more swig, before closing the bottle and placing it on the end table with a dull thud. “Fuck you,” Klaus muttered, before he grabbed a fistful of Dorian’s curls in one hand, and Dorian’s shirt in the other. Klaus tugged him close, planting a rough kiss on Dorian’s pretty pink mouth. Dorian squeaked in surprise, before he relaxed and wrapped his arms around Klaus, returning the kiss with great enthusiasm. Klaus pushed Dorian onto his back again.


	3. Caught Red-Handed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mischa goes check on the idiots. Meanwhile, Valentina and Heinz discuss Dorian.

“They’ve been gone for a while. Do you want me to check on them?” Mischa asked. “I suppose you could, so long as you don’t accidentally shoot one of them,” Heinz replied. “Hah-hah,” Mischa replied flatly, as he nodded and left, asking Conrad for directions on the way out of the dining room. When he was gone, Heinz looked to Valentina. “Conrad has told me much about Dorian. Apparently, his parents divorced when he was a teenager, and his mother took nearly everything.”  
Valentina nodded. “How does he know this?” she inquired. “Klaus has mentioned it before to him. Dorian started his… career to buy back his family home from the bank. Apparently, he still does it because he wants to ‘rescue’ art from people who do not appreciate it.”

“Hmm. My father has told me much about Klaus’ relationship with Dorian, as you know. Dorian works for NATO sometimes as a contractor,” Valentina shared, before letting out a soft chuckle. “As you know, my father unfortunately had to work against Klaus sometimes, as he was an officer for the KGB. Father told me that one time, Dorian threatened his men with a gun that he thought was unloaded.”

“Oh no,” Heinz groaned. “It wasn’t. Father found it hilarious,” Valentina continued. “What else has your father said about Dorian? And what does he have to say about my son?” Heinz asked. “Well.. first, you know what’s funny? My father is quite the schemer. The thing is, his latest thing was to get me married off to the ‘enemy’, to convince you to get Klaus to marry me. But as you remember…” 

“We ran into each other in the street, in the most literal sense,” Heinz recalled. Valentina blushed; “Yes. I saw you. It was so inappropriate of me.. but you were so kind and handsome… I just had to see if I had a chance with you instead. I’m happy I did. No-one would have been happy if it had gone the other way.”

“Well, I’ll have to thank your father. And also tell him to apologize to Klaus for always trying to kill him!” Heinz snorted. Valentina giggled, which made Heinz laugh, too.  
~~  
Mischa was thoroughly amused to be allowed to walk freely around Iron Klaus’ home. Originally, Mischa considered sending his daughter after the Major to ruin him, with the man’s father being very traditional. Perhaps Heinz would make Klaus marry Valentina? But Mischa had given up on that, after Valentina showed interest in Heinz instead. The humiliation and discomfort the situation caused Klaus was more than enough to last Mischa a lifetime. When he got to Klaus’ bedroom, he stopped and listened. Inside, faint noises of creaking of the bed and heavy breathing could be heard. Mischa was both horrified and amused. He tried the door. It was unlocked. The sight that greeted him was Klaus on top of Dorian, kissing the thief for all he was worth. Dorian had his legs wrapped around Klaus’ waist, wrists pinned to the bed by Klaus’ strong grip. They were, however, both fully-clothed, to Mischa’s utter confusion. Klaus suddenly sat up and looked towards the door. He frowned. “It’s not what it looks like?” Mischa teased him. The frown turned into a glare. Dorian finally spoke, not looking at Mischa. “Oh no. Don’t tell me--- It’s Mischa, isn’t it?” Klaus stared down at the thief. “Of course it is! Who else?”

Mischa noticed the bottle on Klaus’ bedside table. He ‘tsk’ed in mock disapproval. “My, my, Klaus. I am very disappointed in you. Did you forget what happened the last time you drank yourself under the table in my presence?” he teased.  
Klaus glared some more. “Yes, you got drunk too, and proceeded to beat the shit out of me!” the Major retorted. “If so, then why haven’t you learned anything from the experience?” Mischa smirked. “You even got drunk on your father’s wedding day. Shame on you.”Mischa looked to Dorian. “And you, what kind of ‘friend’ are you? You didn’t even try to stop him!” Mischa was grinning now. “You—I thought he was the one getting married!” Dorian protested, finally looking at Mischa. “Oh yes, an honest mistake on your part, no doubt. And now that he is getting drunk again, you aren’t doing anything to stop him this time, either. Whatever are you hoping for, young man? Hmm… Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that Klaus is a rather... handsy drunk.”  
Klaus blushed an angry red. “You’re the grabby drunk, not me!” he protested. Just then, the door opened again. “Shit!” Klaus hissed under his breath. Valentina poked her head in. “Oh! Father, you must give them their privacy.”

Dorian wanted to hide under the bed when he heard Heinz. “Klaus, what are you--- Mein Gott, boy, what are you doing?” Klaus looked mortified. “I-I, h-he--” Klaus tried to explain, but nothing useful came out. Dorian gave Klaus a warm smile. Klaus glared at the thief.“So, when’s the wedding?” Mischa grinned.


	4. I Do, I Do, I Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dreaded wedding day comes.
> 
> (Chapter name from an ABBA song. Because, like... DUUUUH.)

Four months later…

~~~

In the old church in Eberbach, Klaus smoked frantically, pacing around. He could leave, if he wanted to. He didn’t have to do this, but then his father would be displeased if he didn’t. A room away, Dorian was waiting. _What did I do to deserve this? Why should I have to marry the idiot? Why does he want me?_ Oh, that was an old question. Always the question. Why would Dorian, a foppish, loud peacock, want Klaus, a grumpy and angry military man? There’s was nothing for Dorian to gain but sex. Klaus didn’t have anything to offer! On the other hand, Dorian was sunny and friendly, charming and loving. Not to mention, the thief was very… _sexually_ skilled. And no-doubt flexible. _Where the_ _ **fuck**_ _did that thought come from?_ Dorian was _socially_ flexible, able to fit in with most crowds, to garner a lot of attention and smiles.

Klaus, meanwhile, was not socially flexible. He could pretend well enough, but he could so easily stand out once he started to get annoyed. To put it roughly, Klaus was practically anti-social. It wasn’t that he didn’t like people, it was just that… well, _okay_ , Klaus _didn’t_ like people. Most fellow humans were either dumb as rocks, rude, obnoxious, loud, self-righteous, or, more often then not, all of the above.

Despite being annoying as hell, Dorian was actually secretly intelligent. _Maybe_. Sometimes it was hard to tell, and maybe that was just it. Eroica always loved to keep everyone on their toes. If you were to piss him off, he’d steal more than half of your personal possessions in less than a day just to get back at you. Just because he _could_. Despite all appearances, Dorian was a capable threat to anyone. He did, after all, know a mafia boss. One who clearly seemed to harbor homo-romantic inclinations for the thief. But as Klaus had long since figured, everyone was either stupid, gay, selfish, rude, or just plain annoying. Again, sometimes all of the above.

Dorian was an exception to the rule. Despite being gay and annoying, he was actually one of the least offensive people Klaus had ever met. The thief was friendly, polite, and for someone who went around stealing other people’s shit, he was actually pretty selfless. _Usually_. Especially when it came to _Klaus_. Dorian had sacrificed multiple heists to save Klaus, one of the earliest examples being the time Dorian destroyed a painting just so Klaus could complete his mission. Overall, Dorian was actually a good person. Klaus on the other hand… Klaus smoked, swore, hit others, and, _hell_ , even _killed_ other people. What could Dorian possible see in a brute like Klaus? Besides, the thief would probably not at all want to deal with Klaus’ ‘emotional baggage’, as some might call it.

Klaus also hated being touched. Some stupid psychologist would probably point to some childhood trauma as the reason why, including the fact that Klaus’ mother died when he was barely a toddler. That and that stupid girl feeling him up at a Christmas party one year… and Klaus’ father yelling at him when Klaus clocked the bitch for touching him. Well, it had been more of a slap, but it had been enough to piss off the elder Eberbach. Father had later taken legal action against the girl and her family, but still… To instantly assume your child would hit a woman just because she displeased him… that carried the implications that you viewed your child as some kind of monster.

Maybe Klaus _was_ a monster, but he was a monster with _decorum_ and _standards_ , dammit. Standards a rigid and morally-hard father had drilled into him from day one. As soon as Klaus was able to speak in full sentences, his father had started teaching him all sorts of things. Unfortunately, some of those things had had some unintended side effects. For example, Klaus had been taught to not cry. As a child, Klaus had cried when his mother died. He had an excuse, he was barely three years old! But after that, Father would tell him that men should not cry. What kind of man doesn’t cry when the anniversary of his wife’s death comes around? Well… maybe Father had, the first year, but Klaus had never witnessed it.

Oh yes, another good one: Klaus must marry a woman of a good family and produce a child. That men shouldn’t sleep with other men, and that men could possible face some divine punishment for it. If that were the case, then why was Klaus being pushed to marry a man? It was ridiculous, enough so that Klaus wanted to storm out. The utter hypocrisy filled Klaus with an unbridled rage that was quickly bubbling to the top. He wanted to yell at his father for being a hypocrite, and to punch Mischa for getting him into this situation in the first place!

Oddly enough, Klaus felt no rage towards Dorian. Dorian was just here because he was supposedly in love with Klaus. There was some kind of warmth in Dorian’s eyes whenever he looked at Klaus, even when he was angry at Klaus. A soft and loving warmth that nobody else had for him, except for maybe Conrad. But it was different from that. One that held patience and reluctant yet unwavering trust, like Dorian was worried about what Klaus would do next, but at the same time, was prepared for whatever Klaus had in store for him and fully accepting of his fate. The look of a man who would do just about anything for love, even if it meant withstanding a beating or a near-drowning. Such loyalty, for a man constantly spurned and told to fuck off in a minimum of at least five different languages. _In multiple dialects_.

Klaus didn’t think he deserved that loyalty. He _knew_ he didn’t. Klaus shouldn’t stay. He should go. But Dorian… Dorian was waiting for him, cornflower-blue eyes filled with love and warmth. Klaus had done so many horrible things to Dorian. Dorian had understandably tried to move on from Klaus time and time again. All attempts eventually failed. The son of a Neo-Nazi, a monk, a dancer… The first one probably shouldn’t count, considering the fact that Carlos and his psychotic father had tried to kill Klaus. But, still…

How many beatings and heartbreaks had Dorian put up with for Klaus? Too many. Klaus didn’t deserve Dorian. Dorian deserved better, like Bonham. Unfortunately, Bonham was only a little bit foppish. He was probably the only man in the Eroica Gang who’d seen a naked woman more than once. That and he had a lover, maybe. Klaus couldn’t remember. All Klaus knew was that Dorian deserved someone kinder and warmer than Klaus. Someone who would never hit him or berate him.

Klaus had made his decision.


	5. Take Me As I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian's waited for this day for a long time. Now that it's here, will his bridegroom come to him or take off in fear? 
> 
> (Chapter named for a Chicago song)

Dorian was beaming. He was dressed in a white suit, with a red rose from his own garden pinned to the lapel. His coat had long tails, in place of a dress train. Despite his lifestyle, Dorian was not one to irk tradition--- _most_ of the time. He wore shiny black dress shoes and simple dangling ruby earrings. His hair was piled on his head with a gold bejeweled hair clip. On his left pinky, he already had the engagement ring: Lucinda von dem Eberbach’s wedding ring. What an honor it was, to wear the ring of his beloved’s mother!

As his father could not, Bonham was the one to walk Dorian down the aisle. But as he walked, Dorian became nervous. He looked around, and noticed that Klaus was not waiting for him. Had he bailed out, despite his reluctant agreement? Well, that was the problem. Klaus had been miffed to be betrothed to Dorian. Surprisingly, in contrast, Dorian’s mother had been on board with the idea. Not enthusiastic, but certainly approving, as Dorian would finally stop doing the things she thought he was doing. Hell, she might be proud, even.

Speaking of her, from her seat, she gave Dorian a worried look. For once, there was no hint of malice in her eyes. Valentina and Mischa looked at him too. But just as Dorian stopped at the end of the aisle, Heinz entered, with Klaus behind him. To Dorian, Klaus was breath-taking.

The Major was dressed in a matching suit (and corresponding shoes), but in midnight black. Pinned to his suit was a green rose from the Schloss’ garden; his hair was slicked back in a way that made Dorian’s heart beat faster. _So erotically beautiful. So very, very handsome._

Klaus was not surprised, when Dorian told the priest, “I do, yes, many, many times!” when asked if he took him to be his lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and health, _yada yada_. And so, as Dorian read his foppish but loving vows, Klaus watched him with an unreadable look. “…I promise to hold you forever, to be with you always. You are my everything, and I intend to make you a very happy man…”

Klaus felt like he couldn’t do this, even when he told the priest that he took Dorian to be his lawfully wedded husband, as well. “…I promise to forsake all others, to be there for you in sickness in health, and--” _I can’t do this! I can’t marry this pervert! What’s wrong with my father? He---_ But then, Klaus noticed how Dorian stared at him. So lovingly, hanging on every word. So patient, so kind, so warm. So genuine. _Fuck it._ Klaus crumpled up the paper in his hand that he’d written his vows on, and chucked it at James, whom was the reluctant ring-bearer. By some miracle, James did not start crying. Klaus would have to give the little rat some old coins or something as a reward.

“Dorian, I am not good with words, but I will do my best. I have made a promise that I intend to keep. I know I have not been a very good friend over the years we’ve known each other, but then I’ve never been the best choice for one. I know that I can be brash, rude, and cynical, but I mean you well. You have been very faithful and helpful, even in times when I did not deserve your kindness. You are my best friend, the truest among impostors and chameleons… and _Lawerence_. (Dorian giggled at that.) I am sorry I punched you the first time you told me that you loved me--” Klaus did his best to ignore the collective gasps from the guests—

“But I only did because I did not believe you. I could not comprehend how someone so warm, kind, and just plain _sweet_ could ever have any interest in someone as cold, violent, and gruff as me. Okay, and maybe I assumed you were an enemy agent in disguise. But… maybe I am not that awful. You have certainly told me as such. I still do not believe you on that, but I have come to realize that you do really love me. And I have come to… appreciate your presence in my life. I cannot count the times your… _persistence_ has actually helped me, and even saved my life. I am alive because of _you_ , at this point. I don’t know how many times I could have drowned, been shot, or even stabbed to death were it not for you.

Dorian… I would like to spend the rest of our time together making it up to you, to give you the kindness and love you so greatly deserve. I promise to… put you first, in my life, t-to be there when you are at your lowest, to encourage you at your best. I will carry you up and down the many flights of stairs of our castles whenever you manage to break your leg because you fell out of a window. I will tend to you when you get sick because James didn’t get you vaccinated for the twentieth time (a ‘Hey!’ was heard from James). And... I will never let you go. I will never ask that you leave me alone.. permanently, ever again. You are the best thing to have ever happened to me. And I know you will keep telling me that I am not as unlovable as I once thought myself to be, with your persistence. Until one day, I may believe you. But until then… I will never _not_ trust in your love, ever again. I have learned that your love is true and unwavering. I thank you for your unconditional love, and despite everything I have ever told you, I… I love you, too.” Dorian’s eyes were shiny with tears.

“You may now kiss your partner,” the priest smiled. Klaus did so. He gently wove his fingers into Dorian’s gorgeous curls, and pressed the other hand against the small of Dorian’s back. He pulled the thief close, and placed a firm kiss on the blond beauty’s lips. Dorian emitted a happy squeak and kissed Klaus back. Meanwhile, James started bawling, the emotional dam finally breaking. Bonham blew his nose into a handkerchief.

Soon, Dorian threw his bouquet, a rainbow of roses and other lovely flowers. G caught it, tripping in her heels and landing on Z. “It’s an omen,” Gladys, A’s wife, whispered to B, as they watched the pair blush and apologize profusely to one another.

Mischa watched everything unfold quietly, with a pleased smile gracing his features. He had won, in a way. His daughter was happily married, and Iron Klaus was subdued-- well, _somewhat_ subdued, anyway. It was a humorous prospect, Iron Klaus being married. But perhaps the warmth of love would soften his temper. _Doubtful. Oh, if only Lyudmila could see her daughter now. And what of Klaus’ mother? She would no doubt be pleased._ Suddenly, an even better thought struck Mischa: _Wait until Polar Bear hears about this!_

The other guests watched in confusion as the older groom’s “grandfather” started bellowing with laughter. The newlyweds, who knew him all-too-well, were luckily too busy with each to notice. Well, _almost_.

“Klaus, dear? Do you hear that?” Dorian asked his husband. “ _Duh_. Mischa probably is laughing because _I_ got married. To _you_. At least I’m not the one who married his daughter. Then he’d really be laughing,” Klaus snorted. “Well, just ignore him,” Dorian grinned, taking Klaus by the hand. “Yeah, because that _really_ worked with _you_ ,” Klaus teased. “Well, I am the most persistent man this side of Europe, so I am quite offended,” Dorian gasped dramatically. Klaus grinned.

Dorian giggled. “Let’s go, love.” The pair headed out and down to the Schloss for the dinner and dancing, on a horse from the Schloss’ stable. Klaus thought it was ridiculous, but secretly, he liked the idea of riding a horse with Dorian, the thief’s trust in full view as he clung to Klaus. Klaus would not tell anybody, of course. But he had finally admitted his love for Dorian, so what else he would reveal? Klaus vowed to himself to not drink a lot. But then Dorian, whom sat behind him (as he’d hoped), placed a kiss on the nape of Klaus’ neck. Klaus reddened with embarrassment, much to Dorian ‘s obvious delight, if the laugh the thief emitted indicated anything. _Okay, maybe just a few drinks.._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went to my cousin's wedding a few months ago, and let me me tell ya, it was great. And yes, everyone was being careful. Nobody got sick to my knowledge, so... Yeah. Also, wedding = great writing material! Oh, by the way, I had a Shirley Temple. It was good. Seriously. Yeah, yeah, say what you will, but I'm a "Supertaster" as they call it. I can taste alcohol. No, really, I can. Must be the ASD. Yes, I have Autism. What was you're first clue?


	6. I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner, dancing, toasts, tears, flirting, and belligerent sexual tension.

Klaus was quiet as Bonham sniffled and choked out his toast to the marriage. “I’m so happy you two are finally together! You both mean a lot to me, you know,” the rotund thief beamed through unshed tears.

“I watched Dorian grow up, and let me tell you, he’s come so far. I’m proud of him! He took his parents’ divorce, really hard, you know. But he stuck it out and look at him! It seems like just yesterday he was yelling, ‘I got the castle back’! And now he’s married! And you, Klaus, it seems like just yesterday that you were trying to get me to join NATO. You know, I would maybe have said yes if the rest of your floor were as competent as you. But then, I can’t help it, I can’t leave my Dorian alone. I really appreciate what you’ve done for us. You’ve saved Dorian from all sorts of nasty people, and I’m so glad you’re there for him. I mean, you even helped him get through that incident with the creepy statue. You know, the one that’s like a weeping angel, but he’s got that bow and arrow? Yeah, you really helped get past that. I’m glad you didn’t laugh at him, you tried to help him instead. In your line of work, I know you’ve seen a lot, and to persevere the way you do is really admirable. I look forward to learning more about you. I’d like to call you my friend, and I wish you the happiness you so deserve. To Dorian and Klaus!”

Dorian, who sat next to Klaus, smiled beautifully. “Aww, see, Bonham loves you, Klaus,” Dorian told him. Klaus was about to reply, but he suddenly felt his stomach grumble. “Well, now. Eat up, love. The steak is pretty good. And so is this salad. It’s a sweet, salty, and sour, just like you!” Dorian grinned. Klaus glared at that last comment. Dorian giggled. “Here. Try some,” the thief insisted, stabbing a few veggies and fruit bits with his fork. He proffered it to Klaus. Klaus didn’t say anything, but he gave Dorian a skeptical look, before he took the bite.

 _Apples. Lettuce. Ginger-and-something vinaigrette. Grapefruit, cucumber, carrot shreds, tomatoes. Walnuts--- bitter._ Klaus was pretty certain Dorian had meant to say ‘sweet, salty, sour, and bitter’, but Dorian wasn’t one to insult Klaus. _Much_. “It’s good,” Klaus admitted. Dorian smiled at him.

Klaus watched that smile turn into a subtle mischievous grin, as Dorian took a sip of wine. It took Klaus’ somewhat innocent mind a minute to process what Dorian was doing, but he eventually got it. First, Klaus had looked over Dorian’s beautiful face, then Dorian’s throat… Oh. _Oh_ . The way Dorian tilted his head back slightly… Klaus could see the motion. A strong channel of muscle squeezed down the wine. And the way Dorian’s lithe fingers held the glass did _not_ help.

Erich Zimmerman, also know as Agent Z, was an innocent man at heart, despite being somewhat sexually knowledgeable. So when he saw the Earl of Gloria practically deep-throat his drink, he blushed deeply. It got worse when he saw Klaus drain his wine glass, staring Dorian down as if to challenge him. “Get a fucking room. The tension is so high I can feel it across the table!” Agent G, also known as Inge Gutermuth, hissed under her breath. She always was so snappy. So Erich wasn’t too surprised by her comment. Dorian, _thank God_ , finally broke _some_ of the tension by smooching Klaus.

~

Vanilla cake, strawberry jam, and raspberry frosting. All very sweet, but not _too_ sweet for Klaus. Dorian wielded the cake knife as gracefully as he had every other blade. He could feel Klaus watching him, and it made Dorian smile. Klaus, meanwhile, unbeknownst to Dorian, was trying to comprehend the fact that he may find Dorian using a blade really, really hot.

Dorian passed Klaus a fork. Klaus made use of it and started go in for a bite, but he stopped and looked at Dorian. Klaus offered it to Dorian. “Here,” Klaus muttered, his cheeks turning red. Dorian gently slid the bit of cake off the fork with his teeth, purposefully making eye contact with Klaus. Quietly, Dorian chewed and swallowed, savoring the sweet fruit flavors on his tongue. Klaus blushed harder as Dorian licked some frosting from his lips. “Here, love,” Dorian murmured, taking his own fork to offer a bite to Klaus. Klaus took it quietly, making sure to stare back.

Unbeknownst to them, Mischa was stifling laughter as he watched the pair stare each other down. Eventually, the tension broke as Klaus swiped his finger through the frosting--- and promptly swiped it onto Dorian’s nose. Dorian squeaked, blushing. Klaus laughed. Dorian returned the favor, causing Klaus to laugh even harder.

~

Klaus held Dorian close as they danced, letting the thief rest his head on Klaus’ shoulder. He didn’t know why, but Klaus felt a certain calm contentedness at holding Dorian like this. The last time he’d danced with Dorian was Vienna. But that time, Klaus had ran away afterwards. Now… Klaus wouldn’t run away this time. He’d let Dorian have him. But how to let Dorian know it was okay? Well… perhaps it was a good time as any to give Dorian a taste of his own medicine. Carefully, Klaus moved one hand from the small of Dorian’s back, lower and lower, until...

Dorian bit back a startled squeak as he felt a strong hand squeeze his right buttock. Blushing, he looked up to see Klaus looking back with a bashful smile. “I… want… you, t-tonight,” Klaus murmured shyly. _Oh my!_ Suddenly, Dorian didn’t want to be too close to Klaus because… _well_. Not that Dorian thought Klaus would mind, but still… Dorian felt very self-conscious. Klaus pressed a kiss to Dorian’s nose, right where Klaus had put frosting earlier. Dorian’s blush deepened.

 _He blushes beautifully_ , Klaus mused to himself. I _wonder what that blush will look like when he is under me?_ Suddenly, Klaus found himself blushing too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed it! Oh, and by the way... An additional work is available for the honeymoon sex. It includes a little bit of lore, too. (Don't worry, the lore and summary is at the bottom if you aren't comfortable with reading about the sex. Even if it is floofy-fluff.) See you later!


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